I’m not talking about a dildo, either.
I’m talking the whole shebang, a head-to-toe human. A five foot nine, 108 pounds, anatomically correct man doll, complete with pubes, freckles, and a working pecker.
Oh, stop blushing. Sex dolls aren’t that bad. There is so much chatter about female sex dolls in recent years they feel almost mainstream.
They’ve been the topic of Hollywood movies (Lars And The Real Girl), documentaries (Guys and Dolls), and even artwork (How We See by Laurie Simmons).
To my understanding, they are the domain of lonely men and fetishists, Imagineers of relationships and doll-cuddles, weirdos who don’t seem to mind their date hasn’t stopped staring at the wall for the entire evening.
But then I found out about the male sex doll. Which, on the other hand, feels incredibly disconcerting.
Why would a woman – A WOMAN – want a relationship with a lump of silicone? Aren’t we more advanced than that? Men might be capable of having sex with everything from an apple pie to a fleshlight; but a woman? Don’t we need a heartbeat, a cheeky wink, and the promise of a second date?
Well, no. Apparently not.
Meet Karley Sciortino.
Sciortino is a sex columnist with Vogue and Vice NYC. And at the end of a 20-minute documentary filmed for the latter, called Making The World's First Male Sex Doll: Slutever, Karley has sex with a handsome sex doll called Gabriel.
I almost fell off my seat.
Gabriel is the creation of Sinthetics, an LA-based sex doll manufacturer who creates custom-made synthetic silicone men and women.
Whilst their male sex dolls are a recent addition, they note in the doco that in just the last few months, they have become equally as popular as their female dolls.
You heard it here first: male sex dolls are becoming A Thing.
These are highly personalized interpretations of the ideal man, so forget about a 'one size fits all' type of guy.
The head artist at Sinthetics, Matt Krivicke, says that all of their orders are extremely specific, with requests varying from skin color to the amount of pubic hair their doll should have.
"If someone specifies a nationality, I will either use pinker tones or browner tones (in the silicone)," says Krivicke, "It really depends. Each order is different, and each doll is different."
His co-owner Bronwen Keller agrees that it's the customization that attracts the female customer.
"People love dolls that they can design themselves, so they want to pick all the things. The boy next door face wins quite often. Light chest hair is pretty common. Most often with the males, they get quite a big bush which is interesting - more public hair on the male dolls seems to be a big thing at the moment..."
The 'Gabriel' doll is a remarkable feat of artistry. It looks real, astonishingly so.
Even though the computer screen, you can detect a strange softness in the specially-made silicone skin, mimicking the human touch. Tiny freckles, and eyelashes, and bellybuttons only serve to further confuse the senses.
It feels sensual, manly, human. And for around $13,500 - you would want to hope so!
But perhaps the weirdest part of the doll is his, er, bits.
Styled off a human cast, the genitals are shockingly realistic.
Your imagination is the only limit to what you can create: the penis converts from flaccid to erect, and you can opt for circumcised or uncircumcised, large or small, bent or straight, big balled or otherwise.
I know, I know. It's a lot to get your head around. (Poor choice of words?)
In the Vice documentary, host Karley Sciortino tries to find a female owner of a male sex doll to speak with her on camera.
As you can imagine, it wasn't easy - but they did find someone, and she is nothing like the socially awkward recluse you might have conjured up.
Jessica Ryan is an adult film star living in LA. Young, perky, and confident; there's no shame for her in owning a sex doll.
Ryan is in a long-distance relationship, you see, and says she struggled to find a casual sex partner. Apparently, her Gabriel doll was the perfect solution: he provides her sex and comfort, without the attachment of an actual human.
"It's so much easier than a Tinder date!" she giggles to the camera.
Reclining on her couch with Gabriel's arm casually draped over her leg, it's eerie to see how relaxed she is with both the doll and the situation. Indeed, it's not hard to imagine that sometime, in some future, this could even be kinda...normal.
The doco wraps up with Sciortino deciding she wants to give it a go. Yes, give it a go.
So, without warning, we're watching her straddling Gabriel, kissing Gabriel, stroking Gabriel, and then - oh my God - riding Gabriel, his plastic hands groping her breasts.
"It feels...absolutely indistinguishable from a real person," she pants to the camera, "except that I'm completely in control."
Well then.
In a world where relationships have been deconstructed and bartered off bit-by-bit, the male sex doll might actually one day find it's way into the mainstream market.
After all, if we can have an app to meet men for sex (Tinder), or a date (eHarmony), or to come and fix our broken lightbulb (Airtasker); why can't we outsource sexual pleasure, too?
There is something about the Gabriel doll, however, that feels bigger than just a sex toy.
(It is literally bigger than a sex toy, for starters, so good luck hiding that in your underwear drawer.)
But it's the emotional reaction you feel looking at such a lifelike figure that is both confusing and exciting.
Karley Sciortino's response at first 'meeting' her Gabriel is probably the most accurate in summarising the feeling:
"It feels weird because it is so lifelike but it enters this space which feels uncomfortable. It feels like a real person who can't respond to you."
Never say never, right?
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